My temper and my habits

This morning I got out the 3 pills Princess takes in the morning, but she was in a defiant mood. "You need to take these," I say, holding them out. Her defiance was simple and direct. "No I don't," she said to my face. "I don't have to do anything."   (I don't think she she verbalized "you're not the boss of me" this instance, but the sentiment was there.

This isn't princess being whiny, or angry. This is her giggling, revelling in her rebellion.

And I snapped, and yelled at her. I am ashamed to write that now, but that's what I did. She ran into her mother's arms crying after my tirade. Giggly defiance gone, for a moment.

Did she take the pills? She took them....into her room and shut the door on me; she either took the pills or dropped them on the floor.

This is a basic conundrum I have yet to crack. What does one do when one's children simply choose to ignore and defy what you say. When even implementing punishments and consequences depends on basic responses to your commands (go to your room). Whole books have been written about this. And how to deal with the personal feelings I feel rising up within me incredibly quickly, feelings of rage and futility. I suppose those feelings are simmering within me almost all the time; I just find ways to ignore them or distract myself from feeling them.  But then they pop out and I am unable to control my impulses.

I can't say never, but I don't hit people. Usually my outbursts are verbal.

In other words, I yell alot.  Like I remember my own mom (not my dad) doing.

And unfortunately, both Princess and Litte Sister have picked up on my example, making yelling a way too common thing in this household.

But, despite this, the morning went relativey smoothly, and we made it to school on time, even early. I walked in with the girls; they both got their reduced-price breakfast. Princess picked out Pizza for breakfast. She took one bite, and eventually through the rest away. Another unfortunate habit we are trying to break.

But she didn't want me to leave before school started. It is one of the few times that she asks me to stay, not to go. I find it very hard to turn her down; a happy string plucks in my heart when she asks "daddy, please don't leave,"  My daughter still wants me, or doesn't find me awful to have around all the time. Kind of pitiful a bit, when I think about it.

Speaking of habits, my wife wanted to share something she heard on the radio or somewhere. Where do habits come from. They come from people, things, times, mental states.

My habit of reading things (used to be sports pages, now its political websites, mostly) come from anxiety.

Her habit of watching tv derives from wanting to spend quiet time with me.

Must think.....how to cultivate better habits in mysef, and in my girls.....