therapy, the princess cries

Writing this late at night after everyone is in bed.....

So today I and Princess had back to our Kay our intern therapist, the first time in a couple weeks. She welcomes us in, has us sit on the floor, takes out a small whiteboard, and colored markers. Princess and I are to make a mosaic with different colors representing different emotions. Yellow-happy. Blue-sad. Black-scared. Green-jealous. Red-as Princess correctly guessed, was mad.

Princess starts, and draws a somewhat elaborate drawing with the blue. I draw a simple star in yellow (thinking to start on a positive note: I was happy Princess wanted to go and was so well-behaved visiting her mom in prison). We all went through the various colors, with her drawings more complicated, mine more simple. 
(the most striking drawing was a red angry heart, or rather two jagged edged heart halves.) 

which, she explained, turned out to be nothing more than having to leave early and miss a television program she was watching. At least that was her explanation.

I drew a black square to represent fear from last night's temper tantrum (I really felt more scared than angry)

So we went through an excercise in which she would tell her side of the story of what led to the temper tantrum, and I would tell mine.

I went second; I retold that story I had already written about here.

Princess went first; she said she wanted to look something up on the computer while Little Sister was taking a bath; she thought it was okay since I didn't say right then to not go on the computer. Also she didn't say anything about hitting Little Sister, or attacking me prior to my turning off the television and her epic tantrum.

And then something pretty amazing happened. She started crying. Usually her emotions go from happy (evil laugh) to angry and defiant. Just crying unconsolably....I seldom see that. The therapist seems to change tack a bit and to concentrate on making her feel better, telling her to breathe, offering kleenex, taking some aquaphor and rubbing her hand an arm, putting on soothing music. Princess keeps crying, quietly. I offer to hug or hold her; she says no. She says she wants mommy.

Later, while Princess is out going to the bathroom, the therapist says this could actually be encouraging....that she is dealing with strong feelings, that they include feelings of guilt (not shame) and possibly remorse...an indication that perhaps Princess is developing a working conscience (my words). She says she will call me later to discuss what happened and what to do.

Princess stops crying by the time we get to the car. I offer to stop and get a snack at a place of her choice....she ends up taking me to the mall and getting a chinese kid's meal.  She seems back to her regular, not always cooperative self by the time we get home.

a close encounter with a murderer?

Well, an intresting day. Following events not necesarily in chronological order.

First to describe....,  a temper tantrum. I am supposed to try to suss out warning signs on when it happens. So the sequence went something like

Princess is happy watching television by herself. Much of my day is spent dealing with her pouty whiny little sister.

At 8 in the evening or so princess is watching tv in the living room, little sister is watching a movie on netflix in the kitchen. I stop the movie with 25 minutes left, saying she could watch it after taking her bath. She takes her bath.

When little sister returns to the computer after her bath, she finds Princess there. I was not on top of them; Princess apparently slugs her in the arm. Purely a utilitarian slug, as far as I can tell; it stops little sister from bothering her as she runs to her room crying.

I try putting LS to bed, but no avail....I go back and evict Princess from the computer, saying I had promised the end of the movie to Little Sister.

Now Princess comes after me, while I am holding Little Sister in my arms. Then she goes back to the living room/television.

I am feeling upset, and also that her behavior shouldn't be allowed to stand or be rewarded with more tv. Also its bed time (close to 9). So I turn the tv off and tell her to GO TO YOUR ROOM.

And the tantrum comes in full-blossomed glory. Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair. I grasp her arms in a restraining hug. I drag her into her room and close the door. Bang bangety bang. I tentatively open the door several times, and close it to ward off flying objects.

Big brother comes and does his own version of Princess restraint. I am hurting she cries. I'm not hurting you, he insists, as he lies on top of her as I catch my breath.

She goes back into her room. More bangs. (I later see a computer keyboard with half its keys torn off). I go back to watch the movie with little sister. Princess later comes out, helps herself to a bowl of cereal, and turns the tv back on. I let it go.....

So, the thing is, aside from this one twenty minute or so tantrum, this was actually a pretty good day for her.  I took her and little sister to a restaurant with a church group; they did quite well. She wasn't very productive in cleaning her room, but at least with quietly watching tv. While waiting for and visiting her mom at the jail, she was neither weepy or grumpy or giggly, just basically low-key

(one thing she did was work on a splinter or a scab or something on her ankle; she wouldn't let me touch it or look at it)

Also of interest is why she was at the computer in the first place. She was looking up this story

The jail visiting center was more busy than usual, and, unlike other days, there was an extra deputy there checking passes and ids for visitors. We were not at our usual spot at the end of the room; instead I saw an older black couple visiting who were obviously very emotional.

After talking with Princess a few minutes, I took the receiver; the biomom told me that the woman prisoner at the end was the wife of the above story who was in jail on suspicion of killing her husband and daughter -- a freshman who happened to go to the school our son attends.

She did not spell out exactly what she did to Princess, leaving it to me to decide how much to reveal to her. But her curiousity was aroused; Princess brought the subject up again the second time she talked to her.

So....after we got home...after the tantrum, after little sister was snuggled asleep, Princess asked me to snuggle her (second night in a row for that; it hadn't happened for months or years before)

And we had a conversation of sorts. She asked about guns, and how our neighborhood didn't have many guns. I said that wasn't necessarily true; there are gun stores in our town and several people have him. She noted that some people have guns for hunting, as opposed to bad things.

She had read at least some of article; she said it was bad for the mom to not have found another job; I agreed that finding a new job would have been far better than what happened....

I told her that killing is serious and and so many people are hurt when someone dies; I said this is why we are upset when she says in anger "I'm gonna kill you" or words to that affect....she kind of dismissed the charge..."I know you don't really mean that." She, I think, made an affirmative noise in response. I told her those were words that I never, never said to her and never will.

I asked if she wanted to pray for the family; she said no.

She said she knew the girl who was killed. We did meet some cheerleaders on one of the school's open house days; they even did a little cheer for us. But I am pretty sure they were not freshmen.

Am not sure how this will affect her in the long run.

I tried to leave the bed once, she grabbed my arm. Nice to be wanted.

june already?

must...write...more...often.....

Lots happening, too much to cover in my ten minutes left (I am in the middle of a substitute assignment)

Last night and afternoon I was working with princess on a big "pizza slice" book report that we discovered the day before, and which was due this morning. Mom was at work; I took princess home from school (no Project Safe afterschool). For a while she was into it....wanting to type out the parts herself....the title, author, main character, characteristics....tried to prompt her. She looked in the book as she worked on it; I got the suspicion that she has not read it cover to cover   (the book....Judy Moody Declares Independence, in which the "crazy" girl goes with her family on vacation to Boston  and learns about the American Revolution)


Anyways, it was nice to see her relatively focused and concerntrated on trying to get the work done, while it lasted. She petered out after a couple hours; I typed the rest of the questions (she dictated)....she got distracted by television and her sister coming home, then we had to pick up her brother....

ah, the bell just rang, er, beeped. will continue in a later post.