tomorrow is the princess's tenth birthday
today, sunday, we had a party. It went well.
For a while I was afraid twenty people would show up and overwhelm us. Princess had xeroxed the invitations last week and took a bunch to school. I was mad.
Then we thought there might only be one person -- her current best friend.
As it turned out, two others came. One a fifth grader, the other in a 4/5 combo. Both girls were very polite, charming, quiet....quite unlike Princess, really (and her friend, who can be loud and wild too). Both the wife and I found that interesting.
We decorated pre-fab gingerbread houses from Ikea. The construction was not sturdy; the majority of houses collapsed at some point during the party. But the girls had a lot of fun. The wife took pictures of them working on the houses, quickly downloaded and worked up some pictures to tape to the back of ornaments as keepsakes.
We did not use the frozen chicken wings or the cans of pineapple that princess wanted to buy at the grocery store yesterday. We did use the sour worms.
All in all, a most successful party. Which didn't stop princess from yelling and slamming the door in my face after everyone had gone.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
two months? two months?!!!
Has it been that long? Crap.
Lots of things have happened, yet lots of things remain....stubbornly the same.
I had made a pledge to our therapist to write at least once a day a few paragraphs.
I did write once, about my dad's record collection (it was an NPR thing)
This is the second time I have written.
Crap.
My wife is very pleased that I am writing. She doesn't like to see me in nonproductive guilty mode.
[break to take a bath on this painfully hot day]
We are seeing our therapist again today. Interesting meeting last week; she talked to me and my wife: Princess remained home.
She had observed notable differences in how Princess behaved with mom vs. dad. Basically, she listened to and deferred to mom; she made demands and generally got her own way with dad.
Also, Princess's crying episodes at therapy (the last one with me, she literally buried her head under the sofa pillow for most of the session, in what looked to me as an act of passive resistance to therapy), were only when I was around, not when Mom was.
I was supposed to write everyday, and read for pleasure three times. I guess I did the reading if you count blog reading and not book reading.
Grandma came over and helped us clean. Both princess and her sister now have rooms we can walk through. The rest of the house remains a challenge. Bloody heat.
Off to see our therapist now.....
Lots of things have happened, yet lots of things remain....stubbornly the same.
I had made a pledge to our therapist to write at least once a day a few paragraphs.
I did write once, about my dad's record collection (it was an NPR thing)
This is the second time I have written.
Crap.
My wife is very pleased that I am writing. She doesn't like to see me in nonproductive guilty mode.
[break to take a bath on this painfully hot day]
We are seeing our therapist again today. Interesting meeting last week; she talked to me and my wife: Princess remained home.
She had observed notable differences in how Princess behaved with mom vs. dad. Basically, she listened to and deferred to mom; she made demands and generally got her own way with dad.
Also, Princess's crying episodes at therapy (the last one with me, she literally buried her head under the sofa pillow for most of the session, in what looked to me as an act of passive resistance to therapy), were only when I was around, not when Mom was.
I was supposed to write everyday, and read for pleasure three times. I guess I did the reading if you count blog reading and not book reading.
Grandma came over and helped us clean. Both princess and her sister now have rooms we can walk through. The rest of the house remains a challenge. Bloody heat.
Off to see our therapist now.....
Monday, June 4, 2012
therapy, the princess cries
Writing this late at night after everyone is in bed.....
So today I and Princess had back to our Kay our intern therapist, the first time in a couple weeks. She welcomes us in, has us sit on the floor, takes out a small whiteboard, and colored markers. Princess and I are to make a mosaic with different colors representing different emotions. Yellow-happy. Blue-sad. Black-scared. Green-jealous. Red-as Princess correctly guessed, was mad.
Princess starts, and draws a somewhat elaborate drawing with the blue. I draw a simple star in yellow (thinking to start on a positive note: I was happy Princess wanted to go and was so well-behaved visiting her mom in prison). We all went through the various colors, with her drawings more complicated, mine more simple.
(the most striking drawing was a red angry heart, or rather two jagged edged heart halves.)
which, she explained, turned out to be nothing more than having to leave early and miss a television program she was watching. At least that was her explanation.
I drew a black square to represent fear from last night's temper tantrum (I really felt more scared than angry)
So we went through an excercise in which she would tell her side of the story of what led to the temper tantrum, and I would tell mine.
I went second; I retold that story I had already written about here.
Princess went first; she said she wanted to look something up on the computer while Little Sister was taking a bath; she thought it was okay since I didn't say right then to not go on the computer. Also she didn't say anything about hitting Little Sister, or attacking me prior to my turning off the television and her epic tantrum.
And then something pretty amazing happened. She started crying. Usually her emotions go from happy (evil laugh) to angry and defiant. Just crying unconsolably....I seldom see that. The therapist seems to change tack a bit and to concentrate on making her feel better, telling her to breathe, offering kleenex, taking some aquaphor and rubbing her hand an arm, putting on soothing music. Princess keeps crying, quietly. I offer to hug or hold her; she says no. She says she wants mommy.
Later, while Princess is out going to the bathroom, the therapist says this could actually be encouraging....that she is dealing with strong feelings, that they include feelings of guilt (not shame) and possibly remorse...an indication that perhaps Princess is developing a working conscience (my words). She says she will call me later to discuss what happened and what to do.
Princess stops crying by the time we get to the car. I offer to stop and get a snack at a place of her choice....she ends up taking me to the mall and getting a chinese kid's meal. She seems back to her regular, not always cooperative self by the time we get home.
So today I and Princess had back to our Kay our intern therapist, the first time in a couple weeks. She welcomes us in, has us sit on the floor, takes out a small whiteboard, and colored markers. Princess and I are to make a mosaic with different colors representing different emotions. Yellow-happy. Blue-sad. Black-scared. Green-jealous. Red-as Princess correctly guessed, was mad.
Princess starts, and draws a somewhat elaborate drawing with the blue. I draw a simple star in yellow (thinking to start on a positive note: I was happy Princess wanted to go and was so well-behaved visiting her mom in prison). We all went through the various colors, with her drawings more complicated, mine more simple.
(the most striking drawing was a red angry heart, or rather two jagged edged heart halves.)
which, she explained, turned out to be nothing more than having to leave early and miss a television program she was watching. At least that was her explanation.
I drew a black square to represent fear from last night's temper tantrum (I really felt more scared than angry)
So we went through an excercise in which she would tell her side of the story of what led to the temper tantrum, and I would tell mine.
I went second; I retold that story I had already written about here.
Princess went first; she said she wanted to look something up on the computer while Little Sister was taking a bath; she thought it was okay since I didn't say right then to not go on the computer. Also she didn't say anything about hitting Little Sister, or attacking me prior to my turning off the television and her epic tantrum.
And then something pretty amazing happened. She started crying. Usually her emotions go from happy (evil laugh) to angry and defiant. Just crying unconsolably....I seldom see that. The therapist seems to change tack a bit and to concentrate on making her feel better, telling her to breathe, offering kleenex, taking some aquaphor and rubbing her hand an arm, putting on soothing music. Princess keeps crying, quietly. I offer to hug or hold her; she says no. She says she wants mommy.
Later, while Princess is out going to the bathroom, the therapist says this could actually be encouraging....that she is dealing with strong feelings, that they include feelings of guilt (not shame) and possibly remorse...an indication that perhaps Princess is developing a working conscience (my words). She says she will call me later to discuss what happened and what to do.
Princess stops crying by the time we get to the car. I offer to stop and get a snack at a place of her choice....she ends up taking me to the mall and getting a chinese kid's meal. She seems back to her regular, not always cooperative self by the time we get home.
a close encounter with a murderer?
Well, an intresting day. Following events not necesarily in chronological order.
First to describe...., a temper tantrum. I am supposed to try to suss out warning signs on when it happens. So the sequence went something like
Princess is happy watching television by herself. Much of my day is spent dealing with her pouty whiny little sister.
At 8 in the evening or so princess is watching tv in the living room, little sister is watching a movie on netflix in the kitchen. I stop the movie with 25 minutes left, saying she could watch it after taking her bath. She takes her bath.
When little sister returns to the computer after her bath, she finds Princess there. I was not on top of them; Princess apparently slugs her in the arm. Purely a utilitarian slug, as far as I can tell; it stops little sister from bothering her as she runs to her room crying.
I try putting LS to bed, but no avail....I go back and evict Princess from the computer, saying I had promised the end of the movie to Little Sister.
Now Princess comes after me, while I am holding Little Sister in my arms. Then she goes back to the living room/television.
I am feeling upset, and also that her behavior shouldn't be allowed to stand or be rewarded with more tv. Also its bed time (close to 9). So I turn the tv off and tell her to GO TO YOUR ROOM.
And the tantrum comes in full-blossomed glory. Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair. I grasp her arms in a restraining hug. I drag her into her room and close the door. Bang bangety bang. I tentatively open the door several times, and close it to ward off flying objects.
Big brother comes and does his own version of Princess restraint. I am hurting she cries. I'm not hurting you, he insists, as he lies on top of her as I catch my breath.
She goes back into her room. More bangs. (I later see a computer keyboard with half its keys torn off). I go back to watch the movie with little sister. Princess later comes out, helps herself to a bowl of cereal, and turns the tv back on. I let it go.....
So, the thing is, aside from this one twenty minute or so tantrum, this was actually a pretty good day for her. I took her and little sister to a restaurant with a church group; they did quite well. She wasn't very productive in cleaning her room, but at least with quietly watching tv. While waiting for and visiting her mom at the jail, she was neither weepy or grumpy or giggly, just basically low-key
(one thing she did was work on a splinter or a scab or something on her ankle; she wouldn't let me touch it or look at it)
Also of interest is why she was at the computer in the first place. She was looking up this story
The jail visiting center was more busy than usual, and, unlike other days, there was an extra deputy there checking passes and ids for visitors. We were not at our usual spot at the end of the room; instead I saw an older black couple visiting who were obviously very emotional.
After talking with Princess a few minutes, I took the receiver; the biomom told me that the woman prisoner at the end was the wife of the above story who was in jail on suspicion of killing her husband and daughter -- a freshman who happened to go to the school our son attends.
She did not spell out exactly what she did to Princess, leaving it to me to decide how much to reveal to her. But her curiousity was aroused; Princess brought the subject up again the second time she talked to her.
So....after we got home...after the tantrum, after little sister was snuggled asleep, Princess asked me to snuggle her (second night in a row for that; it hadn't happened for months or years before)
And we had a conversation of sorts. She asked about guns, and how our neighborhood didn't have many guns. I said that wasn't necessarily true; there are gun stores in our town and several people have him. She noted that some people have guns for hunting, as opposed to bad things.
She had read at least some of article; she said it was bad for the mom to not have found another job; I agreed that finding a new job would have been far better than what happened....
I told her that killing is serious and and so many people are hurt when someone dies; I said this is why we are upset when she says in anger "I'm gonna kill you" or words to that affect....she kind of dismissed the charge..."I know you don't really mean that." She, I think, made an affirmative noise in response. I told her those were words that I never, never said to her and never will.
I asked if she wanted to pray for the family; she said no.
She said she knew the girl who was killed. We did meet some cheerleaders on one of the school's open house days; they even did a little cheer for us. But I am pretty sure they were not freshmen.
Am not sure how this will affect her in the long run.
I tried to leave the bed once, she grabbed my arm. Nice to be wanted.
First to describe...., a temper tantrum. I am supposed to try to suss out warning signs on when it happens. So the sequence went something like
Princess is happy watching television by herself. Much of my day is spent dealing with her pouty whiny little sister.
At 8 in the evening or so princess is watching tv in the living room, little sister is watching a movie on netflix in the kitchen. I stop the movie with 25 minutes left, saying she could watch it after taking her bath. She takes her bath.
When little sister returns to the computer after her bath, she finds Princess there. I was not on top of them; Princess apparently slugs her in the arm. Purely a utilitarian slug, as far as I can tell; it stops little sister from bothering her as she runs to her room crying.
I try putting LS to bed, but no avail....I go back and evict Princess from the computer, saying I had promised the end of the movie to Little Sister.
Now Princess comes after me, while I am holding Little Sister in my arms. Then she goes back to the living room/television.
I am feeling upset, and also that her behavior shouldn't be allowed to stand or be rewarded with more tv. Also its bed time (close to 9). So I turn the tv off and tell her to GO TO YOUR ROOM.
And the tantrum comes in full-blossomed glory. Hitting, kicking, biting, pulling my hair. I grasp her arms in a restraining hug. I drag her into her room and close the door. Bang bangety bang. I tentatively open the door several times, and close it to ward off flying objects.
Big brother comes and does his own version of Princess restraint. I am hurting she cries. I'm not hurting you, he insists, as he lies on top of her as I catch my breath.
She goes back into her room. More bangs. (I later see a computer keyboard with half its keys torn off). I go back to watch the movie with little sister. Princess later comes out, helps herself to a bowl of cereal, and turns the tv back on. I let it go.....
So, the thing is, aside from this one twenty minute or so tantrum, this was actually a pretty good day for her. I took her and little sister to a restaurant with a church group; they did quite well. She wasn't very productive in cleaning her room, but at least with quietly watching tv. While waiting for and visiting her mom at the jail, she was neither weepy or grumpy or giggly, just basically low-key
(one thing she did was work on a splinter or a scab or something on her ankle; she wouldn't let me touch it or look at it)
Also of interest is why she was at the computer in the first place. She was looking up this story
The jail visiting center was more busy than usual, and, unlike other days, there was an extra deputy there checking passes and ids for visitors. We were not at our usual spot at the end of the room; instead I saw an older black couple visiting who were obviously very emotional.
After talking with Princess a few minutes, I took the receiver; the biomom told me that the woman prisoner at the end was the wife of the above story who was in jail on suspicion of killing her husband and daughter -- a freshman who happened to go to the school our son attends.
She did not spell out exactly what she did to Princess, leaving it to me to decide how much to reveal to her. But her curiousity was aroused; Princess brought the subject up again the second time she talked to her.
So....after we got home...after the tantrum, after little sister was snuggled asleep, Princess asked me to snuggle her (second night in a row for that; it hadn't happened for months or years before)
And we had a conversation of sorts. She asked about guns, and how our neighborhood didn't have many guns. I said that wasn't necessarily true; there are gun stores in our town and several people have him. She noted that some people have guns for hunting, as opposed to bad things.
She had read at least some of article; she said it was bad for the mom to not have found another job; I agreed that finding a new job would have been far better than what happened....
I told her that killing is serious and and so many people are hurt when someone dies; I said this is why we are upset when she says in anger "I'm gonna kill you" or words to that affect....she kind of dismissed the charge..."I know you don't really mean that." She, I think, made an affirmative noise in response. I told her those were words that I never, never said to her and never will.
I asked if she wanted to pray for the family; she said no.
She said she knew the girl who was killed. We did meet some cheerleaders on one of the school's open house days; they even did a little cheer for us. But I am pretty sure they were not freshmen.
Am not sure how this will affect her in the long run.
I tried to leave the bed once, she grabbed my arm. Nice to be wanted.
Friday, June 1, 2012
june already?
must...write...more...often.....
Lots happening, too much to cover in my ten minutes left (I am in the middle of a substitute assignment)
Last night and afternoon I was working with princess on a big "pizza slice" book report that we discovered the day before, and which was due this morning. Mom was at work; I took princess home from school (no Project Safe afterschool). For a while she was into it....wanting to type out the parts herself....the title, author, main character, characteristics....tried to prompt her. She looked in the book as she worked on it; I got the suspicion that she has not read it cover to cover (the book....Judy Moody Declares Independence, in which the "crazy" girl goes with her family on vacation to Boston and learns about the American Revolution)
Anyways, it was nice to see her relatively focused and concerntrated on trying to get the work done, while it lasted. She petered out after a couple hours; I typed the rest of the questions (she dictated)....she got distracted by television and her sister coming home, then we had to pick up her brother....
ah, the bell just rang, er, beeped. will continue in a later post.
Lots happening, too much to cover in my ten minutes left (I am in the middle of a substitute assignment)
Last night and afternoon I was working with princess on a big "pizza slice" book report that we discovered the day before, and which was due this morning. Mom was at work; I took princess home from school (no Project Safe afterschool). For a while she was into it....wanting to type out the parts herself....the title, author, main character, characteristics....tried to prompt her. She looked in the book as she worked on it; I got the suspicion that she has not read it cover to cover (the book....Judy Moody Declares Independence, in which the "crazy" girl goes with her family on vacation to Boston and learns about the American Revolution)
Anyways, it was nice to see her relatively focused and concerntrated on trying to get the work done, while it lasted. She petered out after a couple hours; I typed the rest of the questions (she dictated)....she got distracted by television and her sister coming home, then we had to pick up her brother....
ah, the bell just rang, er, beeped. will continue in a later post.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Princess's mother's day assignment
I have before me a top ten list written by Princess from school.
10. I love my mom because she reads me chapter books.
9. I love my mom because she helps me clean.
8. I love my mom because she makes me laugh by being crasy.
7. I love my mom because she taught me how to draw.
6. I love my mom to hear my mom sing crazi-song.
5. I love my mom because she finds time to play with me.
4. I know my mom cares because she hlep me.
3. I know my mom is smart because she dose good work.
2. I love my mom because she works so hard at cooking.
1. I love my mom because she's the best me ever!
10. I love my mom because she reads me chapter books.
9. I love my mom because she helps me clean.
8. I love my mom because she makes me laugh by being crasy.
7. I love my mom because she taught me how to draw.
6. I love my mom to hear my mom sing crazi-song.
5. I love my mom because she finds time to play with me.
4. I know my mom cares because she hlep me.
3. I know my mom is smart because she dose good work.
2. I love my mom because she works so hard at cooking.
1. I love my mom because she's the best me ever!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
mother's day
mother's day 2012
Not too ambitious. Scraping together coupons, the plan was to meet grandma halfway, more or less, between houses, in Temecula, at Souplantation. The goal was to leave our house around 8 or so.
The plan hit a snag when my wife went to her makeup kit, something she does maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Every piece was gone or opened or missing. The only obvious culprit was Princess, who loves playing with makeup. Obviously I had grown lax in keeping our bedroom door locked while I was busy with Little Sister or some other distraction. The wife said we couldn't go until she got her makup back.
I went looking through the layers of clothes and such in Princess's floor, and found, instead of makeup, something else disturbing -- a picture scrapbook partially finished of Princess and her biological mother. Princess had gotten it and took some of it apart.
This greatly upsets my Wife, who prides herself on making and keeping valuable things, and as she puts it would simply like some things that had been put aside and taken care of stay put aside and taken care of. Not rummaged through Tasmanian devil style.
"Why does she have to make everything so hard, so hurtful" she asks. Why does princess have to be so mean.
I feel guilty, thinking I should have looked out more. But on the other hand, how vigilant can I be 24/7? I have other things to get done; I can't spend 100 percent of my time watching over Princess to make sure she doesn't get into our stuff.
We eventually got out of the house, and made our way to Temecula. Grandma and her husband had been waiting an hour by the time we got there, but we had a good time at the restaurant.
Came home, wife lay down in bed, Princess retired to her room. Everytime I went to check on her, she soon demanded that I leave.
Then came evening; time to visit the biological mom at the local jail, something Princess had been doing for the past several weeks, and which she seems to have been enjoying. Only this time she insisted she did not want to go. Wouldn't give a particular reason, didn't say she never wanted to visit again, just repeated that today she did not want to go.
My wife went on her own. Princess right now is jumping on the trampoline in the back yard with Little Sister. Before that she was doing gymnastics pullups in her bedroom closet.
Not too ambitious. Scraping together coupons, the plan was to meet grandma halfway, more or less, between houses, in Temecula, at Souplantation. The goal was to leave our house around 8 or so.
The plan hit a snag when my wife went to her makeup kit, something she does maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Every piece was gone or opened or missing. The only obvious culprit was Princess, who loves playing with makeup. Obviously I had grown lax in keeping our bedroom door locked while I was busy with Little Sister or some other distraction. The wife said we couldn't go until she got her makup back.
I went looking through the layers of clothes and such in Princess's floor, and found, instead of makeup, something else disturbing -- a picture scrapbook partially finished of Princess and her biological mother. Princess had gotten it and took some of it apart.
This greatly upsets my Wife, who prides herself on making and keeping valuable things, and as she puts it would simply like some things that had been put aside and taken care of stay put aside and taken care of. Not rummaged through Tasmanian devil style.
"Why does she have to make everything so hard, so hurtful" she asks. Why does princess have to be so mean.
I feel guilty, thinking I should have looked out more. But on the other hand, how vigilant can I be 24/7? I have other things to get done; I can't spend 100 percent of my time watching over Princess to make sure she doesn't get into our stuff.
We eventually got out of the house, and made our way to Temecula. Grandma and her husband had been waiting an hour by the time we got there, but we had a good time at the restaurant.
Came home, wife lay down in bed, Princess retired to her room. Everytime I went to check on her, she soon demanded that I leave.
Then came evening; time to visit the biological mom at the local jail, something Princess had been doing for the past several weeks, and which she seems to have been enjoying. Only this time she insisted she did not want to go. Wouldn't give a particular reason, didn't say she never wanted to visit again, just repeated that today she did not want to go.
My wife went on her own. Princess right now is jumping on the trampoline in the back yard with Little Sister. Before that she was doing gymnastics pullups in her bedroom closet.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
notes from a therapy session, part 2
Princess and I went to see our therapist "Kay" yesterday. The first part of the session was games; then Princess was sent to the other room to draw while the two of us talked.
She asked how the past week had went. I mentioned Princess biting me one time, and biting my wife another time.
After some discussion of what caused tantrums (my recollection; usually involved me or wife shouting "no" or "stop that" , she said many seemed related to "power struggles."
Yes, Captain Obvious.
How do I cope? What do I do.....How do I engage? What times are the best for engaging her.
And the truth, which I don't know if I fully expressed there, is that I coped by not engaging.....off to her room, where she could ignore me and I could ignore her, at least for the time being. I told her about the incident described at the end of this post, for example. I just wanted her to stop, to go away.
One thing she said struck me...I mentioned that Princess is often defiant..."make me" comments...."you're stupid; I'm not listening to you" nyah nyah
These, she said, were (could be) coping defense mechanisms....and as such, actually evidence that Princess does have a conscience, a sense of right and wrong. The defense mechanisms act to prevent her from experienceing the unpleasant feelings of guilt and shame she might otherwise experience. Sassing back at me, in this view, can be seen as a good thing, a sign of progress.
I really hope that is true, considering the alternative.
Anyways, my assignments for the next few days are
She asked how the past week had went. I mentioned Princess biting me one time, and biting my wife another time.
After some discussion of what caused tantrums (my recollection; usually involved me or wife shouting "no" or "stop that" , she said many seemed related to "power struggles."
Yes, Captain Obvious.
How do I cope? What do I do.....How do I engage? What times are the best for engaging her.
And the truth, which I don't know if I fully expressed there, is that I coped by not engaging.....off to her room, where she could ignore me and I could ignore her, at least for the time being. I told her about the incident described at the end of this post, for example. I just wanted her to stop, to go away.
One thing she said struck me...I mentioned that Princess is often defiant..."make me" comments...."you're stupid; I'm not listening to you" nyah nyah
These, she said, were (could be) coping defense mechanisms....and as such, actually evidence that Princess does have a conscience, a sense of right and wrong. The defense mechanisms act to prevent her from experienceing the unpleasant feelings of guilt and shame she might otherwise experience. Sassing back at me, in this view, can be seen as a good thing, a sign of progress.
I really hope that is true, considering the alternative.
Anyways, my assignments for the next few days are
- making a routine of "hurt checks" with Princess, and yes, she said when I asked, they could be reciprocal
- observing her closely, see what sets her off
- attaining a sense of calm and detachment....don't engage in her only when I am swept up with emotions of anger and frustration
notes from a therapy session, part 1
So yesterday Princess and I went to a mental health therapist for our first session together (she had previously seen Princess, myself, and my wife separately. What happened? What did I learn?
The therapist, who I will call "Kay" had us both sitting on the floor and starting us off with some games. First with a "hurts check" or something. She told me she had previously told Princess that the office was a "no hurt zone." That applied to physical and verbal hurts. She gave me little tube of ointmennt (aquafor) and had me look at Princess's hands, arms, and legs to see if I could find any little "hurts" I could rub a little ointment on. I did. Princess played along. I was wondering if Princess would get to return the favor, and noticed that there was still brusing on my hand where she bit me some days before, but no, after I was done, we went on to the next game.
The next game, or activity, as making handprints/footprints on a piece of black paper. The technique was to put baby lotion on Princess's hands and feet, then sprinkle white baby powder over the paper with the hands and then feet affixed. It was supposed to mark a "beginning" for this particular journey for Princess, or something like that.
The weird thing in retrospect was that I was afraid the thing would be lost or destroyed if I took it home, so I asked the therapist if it could stay at the office, at least for the time being. Don't know if she gets that request often.
Then we played a bubble game. I, the dad, would give directions to princess on how to pop a bubble; the therapist would blow the bubbles, and game on! Princess remembered a time when she was enclosed by a bubble -- something that I had vague memories of once she mentioned it. It was at a community fair or something.
Anyways, I would give directions. Pop the bubbles with your elbows. With your toes. By clapping your hands. With your nose! With your mouth! (or, maybe not a good idea, therapist indicates, soapy water and all). Not sure of the purpose of that one either.
Next, I was given a roll of yellow paper and told to wrap Princess up like a mummy, starting at the feet. As I proceeded , the therapist would ask Princess questions about the body parts I was wrapping. What are your feet for? What our you looks for. What is your belly for?
"Belly bumping" says Princess.
When we came to the hands, Princess says hands are for "poking," I don't recall if first she said this unprompted or as a "yes" answer to "are fingers for poking" but the therapist did ask again to make sure that is what Princess said, before saying something to the effect that poking is not really the best use of one's hand.
After I got Princess completely wrapped (except for nose and mouth), Kay said the next step was to, on the count of three, break loose and escape the mummy wrapping. Princess did that in about 1.2 seconds.
Then she sent Princess out to draw some pictures, and we talked.
(continued on next post)
The therapist, who I will call "Kay" had us both sitting on the floor and starting us off with some games. First with a "hurts check" or something. She told me she had previously told Princess that the office was a "no hurt zone." That applied to physical and verbal hurts. She gave me little tube of ointmennt (aquafor) and had me look at Princess's hands, arms, and legs to see if I could find any little "hurts" I could rub a little ointment on. I did. Princess played along. I was wondering if Princess would get to return the favor, and noticed that there was still brusing on my hand where she bit me some days before, but no, after I was done, we went on to the next game.
The next game, or activity, as making handprints/footprints on a piece of black paper. The technique was to put baby lotion on Princess's hands and feet, then sprinkle white baby powder over the paper with the hands and then feet affixed. It was supposed to mark a "beginning" for this particular journey for Princess, or something like that.
The weird thing in retrospect was that I was afraid the thing would be lost or destroyed if I took it home, so I asked the therapist if it could stay at the office, at least for the time being. Don't know if she gets that request often.
Then we played a bubble game. I, the dad, would give directions to princess on how to pop a bubble; the therapist would blow the bubbles, and game on! Princess remembered a time when she was enclosed by a bubble -- something that I had vague memories of once she mentioned it. It was at a community fair or something.
Anyways, I would give directions. Pop the bubbles with your elbows. With your toes. By clapping your hands. With your nose! With your mouth! (or, maybe not a good idea, therapist indicates, soapy water and all). Not sure of the purpose of that one either.
Next, I was given a roll of yellow paper and told to wrap Princess up like a mummy, starting at the feet. As I proceeded , the therapist would ask Princess questions about the body parts I was wrapping. What are your feet for? What our you looks for. What is your belly for?
"Belly bumping" says Princess.
When we came to the hands, Princess says hands are for "poking," I don't recall if first she said this unprompted or as a "yes" answer to "are fingers for poking" but the therapist did ask again to make sure that is what Princess said, before saying something to the effect that poking is not really the best use of one's hand.
After I got Princess completely wrapped (except for nose and mouth), Kay said the next step was to, on the count of three, break loose and escape the mummy wrapping. Princess did that in about 1.2 seconds.
Then she sent Princess out to draw some pictures, and we talked.
(continued on next post)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
prison, drugs, cartwheels, and more
52 minutues before another day is done, and trying to write a few noteworthy things before then.....
went to church and taught sunday school by myself, only four students. No princess or little sister helping. soothing
Little sister wanted to go swimming, but princess did not. So after picking up big brother from boy scout camping, went to the Y. I used to do this with princess, but the memories fade fast....now it seems confirmed how much little sister wants to spend time with me, but Princess does not....
Drove home, swapped girls (poor big brother), took Princess to the local jail where her biomom is being held. Met her (adoptive) dad, a defense lawyer; we chatted a bit during the mandatory wait time.
Two scary stories of children of his friends/coworkers. One with a straight-a daughter who got into heroin. Personality change, much more defiant, lip piercing, blowup at mom when she investigated Facebook activity. Another one with a daughter who got busted for cocaine (or her boyfriend did), went through a 9 month rough patch, before sucessfully landing at UC Berkeley.
Then some sweet moments with Princess. She went outside. I went out to watch her. She was trying cartwheels and handstands on the grass. Try a running cartwheel I suggest. She smiles, tries. She is wearing denim shorts, black boots, a blue button sweater I just got from a church friend whose girls had outgrown their clothes. She is wearing a band of some sort around her head. She looks like a girl from the 1960s. She does some cartwheels, lands on her behind, laughs....
The three of us trade off conversations with her mom on the other side of the prison window. She is doing well; has work detail for her unit (cleaning things up). I tell her princess keeps her room in a state of chaos, probably on purpose; she says she was "like a whirlwind" in keeping her room messy from age 3-13, then around that age, something clicked, and she kept her room neater.
(of course, around that age a whole different set of problems was facing her too)
Afterwards princess asks for my phone to call Little Sister's mother (she has the same biodad, different mother). I am surprised to find the number in my phone, but she calls. "I love you." she says.
At home she brushes her little sister's hair after a bath, and proffers a verbal offer of pajamas that are too small for her. Both positive developments....
But then, when my back is turned, she does something to little sister that makes her cry. I, frustrated at several things (including having to make her rice and beans for a late supper) yell at her to go to bed. She throws a hairbrush at me.
And so it goes.
went to church and taught sunday school by myself, only four students. No princess or little sister helping. soothing
Little sister wanted to go swimming, but princess did not. So after picking up big brother from boy scout camping, went to the Y. I used to do this with princess, but the memories fade fast....now it seems confirmed how much little sister wants to spend time with me, but Princess does not....
Drove home, swapped girls (poor big brother), took Princess to the local jail where her biomom is being held. Met her (adoptive) dad, a defense lawyer; we chatted a bit during the mandatory wait time.
Two scary stories of children of his friends/coworkers. One with a straight-a daughter who got into heroin. Personality change, much more defiant, lip piercing, blowup at mom when she investigated Facebook activity. Another one with a daughter who got busted for cocaine (or her boyfriend did), went through a 9 month rough patch, before sucessfully landing at UC Berkeley.
Then some sweet moments with Princess. She went outside. I went out to watch her. She was trying cartwheels and handstands on the grass. Try a running cartwheel I suggest. She smiles, tries. She is wearing denim shorts, black boots, a blue button sweater I just got from a church friend whose girls had outgrown their clothes. She is wearing a band of some sort around her head. She looks like a girl from the 1960s. She does some cartwheels, lands on her behind, laughs....
The three of us trade off conversations with her mom on the other side of the prison window. She is doing well; has work detail for her unit (cleaning things up). I tell her princess keeps her room in a state of chaos, probably on purpose; she says she was "like a whirlwind" in keeping her room messy from age 3-13, then around that age, something clicked, and she kept her room neater.
(of course, around that age a whole different set of problems was facing her too)
Afterwards princess asks for my phone to call Little Sister's mother (she has the same biodad, different mother). I am surprised to find the number in my phone, but she calls. "I love you." she says.
At home she brushes her little sister's hair after a bath, and proffers a verbal offer of pajamas that are too small for her. Both positive developments....
But then, when my back is turned, she does something to little sister that makes her cry. I, frustrated at several things (including having to make her rice and beans for a late supper) yell at her to go to bed. She throws a hairbrush at me.
And so it goes.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Rage and Empathy and Lap Tortoises
This blog might tend to run negative because more often than not it is feelings of impotent rage that inspire me to actually sit down and type.
(Digression....it occured to me that "impotent rage" is a redundant expression -- rage, more often than not, is an expression of impotence or powerlessness -- that is the difference between "rage" and "wrath" ....you don't hear about the "rage of God" so much)
Anyways, before I write about what caused my current feelings of rage (recollected in tranquility now), let me describe some positive things about Princess that happened yesterday, April 22.
But then, these also happened....
(Digression....it occured to me that "impotent rage" is a redundant expression -- rage, more often than not, is an expression of impotence or powerlessness -- that is the difference between "rage" and "wrath" ....you don't hear about the "rage of God" so much)
Anyways, before I write about what caused my current feelings of rage (recollected in tranquility now), let me describe some positive things about Princess that happened yesterday, April 22.
- She got a phone call from a friend she met yesterday at the boy scout fair (specifically, the reptile booth, where she and little sister spent much time with the lizards and snakes). The friend was a tomboyish girl her age whose dad was friends with the reptile booth. They seemed to really hit it off, and exchanged numbers (in my case, my cell phone number). So she called. Yay. Normal girl socializing. Although, (and this is something I've noticed before), Princess's attention wanes swiftly in phone conversations. Rather than gab for hours (do girls do this anymore, or is everything text and facebook?), Princess talks for a couple minutes, than abruptly stops and hangs up, or hands phone to Little Sister.
- She has adopted our awakened-from-hibernation desert tortoise George, and spent hours (?) with George curled up (well, I suppose not too literally curled) on her lap, not something one usually sees with a tortoise. George didn't seem to mind.
- While watching one of our favorites shows, "Amazing Race," she remarked how frustrated this person was in trying to complete one of the tasks. "nice empathy" praised my wife, making sure to note it.
- She apparrently was nice when mom took her with when she was helping a friend make costumes for a church/youth production of Rogers/Hammerstein "Cinderella."
But then, these also happened....
- Princess showed up with cookie mix; I scrambled to help her mix it up with butter and egg; she abandoned me in mid-mix, only to show up when I was placing cookies on the sheet; she made tiny little cookies, then went to eat the remaining dough herself. Cue scenes of her being chased by me around the house while clutching bowl of cookie dough. Rage!
- I was trying to get the girls in the car for what has become our weekly visit to see Birthmom in jail, and told Little Sister that she could toss the scooter in the car (thought it would be nice to have during the mandatory one-hour wait). Princess then takes her bicycle (the nice one we bought, the one that has flat tires and is missing a bolt) in the car, I tell her to take it out, she absolutely refuses, standoff! Rage! I enlist wife for reinforcements; she notices the missing bolt and tells Princess she can't ride the bike, and besides, where's the helmet....I retreat inside, only to look out and see Princess running outside with her mean impudent expression. She hits Wife where it hurts -- pulling up some flowers, including reseeded poppies wife had found while weeding......banished to the bathtub (being careful to clear bathroom of breakables first)....I need to email birthmom and explain why we didn't make the visit
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Dalai Lama speaks....
So his holiness the DaLai Lama is speaking today at SDSU, and I am catching the video feed.
Trying to remember some of the main points.....
He believes all people, beginning as children, have seed of compassion within them....this seed may or may not be overwhelmed by environment as part of growing up. Humans are inherently compassionate...?
(he's never met Princess)
Snark aside, this verbalizes the challenge as to nurturing the seed of compassion in Princess (and me, and the rest of the family), which means I need to find her seed of compassion and empathy.....too often all I see and hear are selfishness and "go away daddy"
As for nurturing the seed, he talks about the importance of the love a child gets from his/her mother as key for future mental well being (very gender specific here). Later in QA session talks improtance of providing "affection" to our children."
The key to mental well being is having a "calm" mind.
His voice is making me very drowsy......
greatest influence (after Buddha)...Mahatma Ghandi, whom he never met -- except once, in a dream
"so much depends on your own self confidence, your own optimism"
its my catch-22 -- yes, I could be more confident in myself if only I was more confident in myself
update: here is a video excerpt of the conference....
here is a link to the whole speech (click the play video)
Trying to remember some of the main points.....
He believes all people, beginning as children, have seed of compassion within them....this seed may or may not be overwhelmed by environment as part of growing up. Humans are inherently compassionate...?
(he's never met Princess)
Snark aside, this verbalizes the challenge as to nurturing the seed of compassion in Princess (and me, and the rest of the family), which means I need to find her seed of compassion and empathy.....too often all I see and hear are selfishness and "go away daddy"
As for nurturing the seed, he talks about the importance of the love a child gets from his/her mother as key for future mental well being (very gender specific here). Later in QA session talks improtance of providing "affection" to our children."
The key to mental well being is having a "calm" mind.
His voice is making me very drowsy......
greatest influence (after Buddha)...Mahatma Ghandi, whom he never met -- except once, in a dream
"so much depends on your own self confidence, your own optimism"
its my catch-22 -- yes, I could be more confident in myself if only I was more confident in myself
here is a link to the whole speech (click the play video)
Monday, April 16, 2012
post spring break pre therapy session roundup
Okay, school is finally back in session (yay!); also, we are picking up Princess in a few minutes to go to the third session with our new therapist. This one will involve, apparently, video recording. Not sure how to anticipate this.
But first, a few quick things to write down before time recedes further.
Over the course of two weeks spring break, the behavior patterns of Princess and Little Sister remained firm, at least in regards with me. By which I mean, Princess spent much of the time avoiding me, staying in her room, on the computer, watching tv....or playing with her sister. Often when I entered the room, the words commonly expressed were variations of "go away dad."
Little Sister, on the other hand, when she wasn't playing with Princess, would often want to spend time with me, reading, snuggling, playing "school." More than Princess at her age.
Anyways, one of the things Princess when she was alone in her room was to go out of her room, into the garage, and rummage around (as described earlier)....Last night when I went to do laundry, I found the detergent, and softener, the Clorox 2 stainremover, the bleach, the Shout -- all gone. All containers empty and poured out.
Why does she do this? How common is such behavior?
Also, she had a little tantrum, wanting to take all the bag of apples and put them in our blue ceramic bowl, which is cracked, and which was a wedding gift. Wrestling with her over the bowl without trying to break it further. We gave her one apple; she responded by giving a rather spectacular demonstration of what happens when you throw an red delicious apple as hard as you can on a bamboo floor (sorry, no video). Apple explosion.
OTOH, she was funny and goofy and endearing at her weekly visit with her birth mom at the local jail ..... She had just seen Star Wars or something, and kept saying "May the force be with you" and doing big Darth Vader breaths. Little Sister of course picked up on this.
But first, a few quick things to write down before time recedes further.
Over the course of two weeks spring break, the behavior patterns of Princess and Little Sister remained firm, at least in regards with me. By which I mean, Princess spent much of the time avoiding me, staying in her room, on the computer, watching tv....or playing with her sister. Often when I entered the room, the words commonly expressed were variations of "go away dad."
Little Sister, on the other hand, when she wasn't playing with Princess, would often want to spend time with me, reading, snuggling, playing "school." More than Princess at her age.
Anyways, one of the things Princess when she was alone in her room was to go out of her room, into the garage, and rummage around (as described earlier)....Last night when I went to do laundry, I found the detergent, and softener, the Clorox 2 stainremover, the bleach, the Shout -- all gone. All containers empty and poured out.
Why does she do this? How common is such behavior?
Also, she had a little tantrum, wanting to take all the bag of apples and put them in our blue ceramic bowl, which is cracked, and which was a wedding gift. Wrestling with her over the bowl without trying to break it further. We gave her one apple; she responded by giving a rather spectacular demonstration of what happens when you throw an red delicious apple as hard as you can on a bamboo floor (sorry, no video). Apple explosion.
OTOH, she was funny and goofy and endearing at her weekly visit with her birth mom at the local jail ..... She had just seen Star Wars or something, and kept saying "May the force be with you" and doing big Darth Vader breaths. Little Sister of course picked up on this.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
epic fail
So Princess was playing at a friend's house today, and the friend's brother introduced her to the "epic fail" genre of Youtube videos (well, introduce might be too strong a word; she probably saw them before).....She was watching them on the computer here while I was trying to cook supper. It is a source of genuine laughter and glee on her part, something I hear seldom enough so as to be happy to hear it at all. Laughter mixed with astonishment and wonder at the scenes of people jumping off a roof, attempting to flip in midair and land in a garbage container, and missing it. Or crashing off an ATV. Or falling off a running machine (you know, with the conveyor belt). Or a person filling his mouth with an alcoholic drink, and lighting it in fire, only to set his shirt, hair, and chair on fire as well. I tried, lamely I fear, to inteject some commentary on how stupid this or that thing was, and of course you would not try such a thing yourself. Don't know if such commentary is effective. On the other hand, some of it really was funny, and it is always nice to share something funny with my girl.
too much crap
My blog has been in the death spiral of previous blogs and writing projects.....procrastination leads to guilt leads to pressure as more and more crap pours down my way, leading to more procrastination and pressure and guilt, till finally an explosion here of....you get the idea
I really should be writing things down on a more daily basis, as a lot has happened between now and my last post, and I can't really do everything justice be rushing back and covering them Memento style, or weeks/days after the fact.
So, that would include the princess's report card, our discovery of a new therapist, visit one to the therapist (for parents), visit two (for the princess), as well as the princess's visits to her birthmom who, after some months of disappearance, is now in jail, again. As well as various other little incidents and stories and conflicts, such as the time the princess and I in a rare warm and positive moment danced the Tango together (sorta), only to accidently kick little sister's cd player onto the floor. Fortunately, it still works.
Maybe I would have time to write about those in more detail in the future, when they are even further in the past. Maybe not. Just now if feels like a big pile of crap I am buried in, to be dug out of and flung aside.
And this doesn't include all the other piles of crap I am buried under at the moment....the trying to find a job pile, the trying to get the house in order pile, the trying not to let life run away from me pile.....
But onto today, more craptacular than usual.
I don't think I lost my temper with princess today. Other people did though.
It started out with a trip the the dentist. Princess was a princess. And the dentist was kind enough to make go against their general policy and accept our state insurance plan (princess and her sister have it because of their former foster child status). And while four cavities and one missing cap sound bad (aargh), at least princess beats sister, who had the same number of cavities, and an infection that required extraction.
We came back before ten, and my lovely wife (LW) was in a lovely mood because of the hour of relative peace and quiet. This eventually wore away and broke down however, until she was at wit's end, like yesterday, due to Princess's penchant for getting into boxes of things that, unlike many of our possessions, were actually put away and organized and (seemingly) safe. Things like family pictures and school artwork and scrapbooks grandparents and teachers had made for them, among other things, that were suddenly found floating around the house in a very disorganized fashion.
This really hurts LW -- she has a passion for keeping things (sometimes to my frustration), and she has, or had, a system of keeping things organized and safe. But not from Princess. Princess seems to make a special point of going after things, and not even using or seeming to appreciate them, but just going after boxes, picking one thing out, and tossing the rest on the floor.
It is hard. "She is cruel," my LW says, and goes on in despairing way on how Princess has made her life miserable.
Later my Boy Scout Son (BSS), who usually takes things in a very smooth stride, gets his limit. Princess is in the kitchen, making cupcakes (she found a box and wanted to make them, and I let her, after steering her away from her first choice, popcorn, because we had no frying oil and loose kernels cannot be popped in the microwave, or so I told her)....Then, for some reason, she wanted to dice an onion, to top the caserrole I had made for everyone. Find, fine, fine...I'm cooking, she's dicing, little sis is watching Netflix, BSS is in his room. I tell him dinner is ready, he comes out to grab some grub, and...princess loses it. Screams. Screams some more. Tells him he can't have any dinner (WTF?) Grabs a rubbermaid plastic pitcher/container, throws it on marble floor, breaking it.
Brother than picks up and carries Princess to her room. Later, he and Princess have verbal confrontation.....he tells her in not-loud but angry tone of voice that she shouldn't exist, that she should leave, that she should die. It takes me back.....makes me feel sad and defeated.
Then the door knocks. Its our neighbor Joe, who moved a couple years ago and from almost the beginning decided he didn't like us. He says he can hear screaming, and people throwing things, and that this really needs to stop.
Its midnight.....must go to bed (did I mention my laptop is at the shop getting disinfected from its 300 viruses it apparently has, and I'll get it back when we can scrape together the money to fix it?)
Thanks, Joe.
Funny thing is, though, Princess calms down shortly after that, gets back to work on her cupcakes. Later, when little sister is crying, she tells her very seriously to be quiet, or joe will come back. Princess will not respond to my entreaties to quiet down, but she will respond to Joe.
I really should be writing things down on a more daily basis, as a lot has happened between now and my last post, and I can't really do everything justice be rushing back and covering them Memento style, or weeks/days after the fact.
So, that would include the princess's report card, our discovery of a new therapist, visit one to the therapist (for parents), visit two (for the princess), as well as the princess's visits to her birthmom who, after some months of disappearance, is now in jail, again. As well as various other little incidents and stories and conflicts, such as the time the princess and I in a rare warm and positive moment danced the Tango together (sorta), only to accidently kick little sister's cd player onto the floor. Fortunately, it still works.
Maybe I would have time to write about those in more detail in the future, when they are even further in the past. Maybe not. Just now if feels like a big pile of crap I am buried in, to be dug out of and flung aside.
And this doesn't include all the other piles of crap I am buried under at the moment....the trying to find a job pile, the trying to get the house in order pile, the trying not to let life run away from me pile.....
But onto today, more craptacular than usual.
I don't think I lost my temper with princess today. Other people did though.
It started out with a trip the the dentist. Princess was a princess. And the dentist was kind enough to make go against their general policy and accept our state insurance plan (princess and her sister have it because of their former foster child status). And while four cavities and one missing cap sound bad (aargh), at least princess beats sister, who had the same number of cavities, and an infection that required extraction.
We came back before ten, and my lovely wife (LW) was in a lovely mood because of the hour of relative peace and quiet. This eventually wore away and broke down however, until she was at wit's end, like yesterday, due to Princess's penchant for getting into boxes of things that, unlike many of our possessions, were actually put away and organized and (seemingly) safe. Things like family pictures and school artwork and scrapbooks grandparents and teachers had made for them, among other things, that were suddenly found floating around the house in a very disorganized fashion.
This really hurts LW -- she has a passion for keeping things (sometimes to my frustration), and she has, or had, a system of keeping things organized and safe. But not from Princess. Princess seems to make a special point of going after things, and not even using or seeming to appreciate them, but just going after boxes, picking one thing out, and tossing the rest on the floor.
It is hard. "She is cruel," my LW says, and goes on in despairing way on how Princess has made her life miserable.
Later my Boy Scout Son (BSS), who usually takes things in a very smooth stride, gets his limit. Princess is in the kitchen, making cupcakes (she found a box and wanted to make them, and I let her, after steering her away from her first choice, popcorn, because we had no frying oil and loose kernels cannot be popped in the microwave, or so I told her)....Then, for some reason, she wanted to dice an onion, to top the caserrole I had made for everyone. Find, fine, fine...I'm cooking, she's dicing, little sis is watching Netflix, BSS is in his room. I tell him dinner is ready, he comes out to grab some grub, and...princess loses it. Screams. Screams some more. Tells him he can't have any dinner (WTF?) Grabs a rubbermaid plastic pitcher/container, throws it on marble floor, breaking it.
Brother than picks up and carries Princess to her room. Later, he and Princess have verbal confrontation.....he tells her in not-loud but angry tone of voice that she shouldn't exist, that she should leave, that she should die. It takes me back.....makes me feel sad and defeated.
Then the door knocks. Its our neighbor Joe, who moved a couple years ago and from almost the beginning decided he didn't like us. He says he can hear screaming, and people throwing things, and that this really needs to stop.
Its midnight.....must go to bed (did I mention my laptop is at the shop getting disinfected from its 300 viruses it apparently has, and I'll get it back when we can scrape together the money to fix it?)
Thanks, Joe.
Funny thing is, though, Princess calms down shortly after that, gets back to work on her cupcakes. Later, when little sister is crying, she tells her very seriously to be quiet, or joe will come back. Princess will not respond to my entreaties to quiet down, but she will respond to Joe.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
good things and bad things
Okay, this probably counts as a more or less normal day, no major eruptions of tantrums.
Let us run through some good and bad things Princess did.
She got up when asked in the morning and took a bath. Good.
She erupted when I attempted to take Little Sister down to school by herself, screaming, throwing her pills on the floor, then taking one of her sister's shoes out of the van and hurling it down the street. not so good.
She did make it to school on time, and was happy to take the medicine after I brought it to school the second time. good.
When I picked the girls up, Little Sister was saying Princess had been mean to her; Princess responded by tattling that Little Sister had been mean to other girls. not so good
We had dinner at church (every wednesday that church serves dinner as a fellowship thing); the girls were both pretty good (with the caveat that Princess kind of grabbed all the remaining strawberries on the plate, but there wern't that many)
Then we played in the park. The girls played together....except for the spell in which Princess kept pushing Little Sister out of the way and making her sulk. not so good...
When I was alone with Prinncess, I asked her what her sister had done. She told me that she had been mean and bossy and pushy with her friends. I told her I was very glad to hear from her that she knew that being mean and bossy and pushy with friends was not a good thing. I am not sure how much sank in. I have a feeling that Princess understands that I am talking about her behavior as well, that what is bad for her sister also applies to her -- but that she is also trying very hard to hide that understanding from me. Not to officially acknowledge the lessons I am trying to impart.
Then the girls wanted to go to Macdonalds. When I said no, this led to ten or so minutes of repetitive screaming that they wanted to go to McDonalds. Not so good.
Princess also opened and leftover soup the nice church ladies had given us (they know we are in rather tight financial straits.....despite my imploring to at least wait unti we get home....not so good.
But Princess was very careful in opening up the soup, putting some of it in a cup in the car, then eating it with, um, an old hotel plastic card room key as a spoon (good? bad? just weird?)
Then she went home and retired to her room. When I wanted to enter her room to cross over to the garage to put leftover soup away, she said she would put it in the fridge herself. and she did.
The last I saw her, she was asleep in her bed, sideways, feet on the ottoman.
Just another day. She did threaten to kill me, at least once. And call me stupid, at least once I remember. But it was mostly an ok day.
Let us run through some good and bad things Princess did.
She got up when asked in the morning and took a bath. Good.
She erupted when I attempted to take Little Sister down to school by herself, screaming, throwing her pills on the floor, then taking one of her sister's shoes out of the van and hurling it down the street. not so good.
She did make it to school on time, and was happy to take the medicine after I brought it to school the second time. good.
When I picked the girls up, Little Sister was saying Princess had been mean to her; Princess responded by tattling that Little Sister had been mean to other girls. not so good
We had dinner at church (every wednesday that church serves dinner as a fellowship thing); the girls were both pretty good (with the caveat that Princess kind of grabbed all the remaining strawberries on the plate, but there wern't that many)
Then we played in the park. The girls played together....except for the spell in which Princess kept pushing Little Sister out of the way and making her sulk. not so good...
When I was alone with Prinncess, I asked her what her sister had done. She told me that she had been mean and bossy and pushy with her friends. I told her I was very glad to hear from her that she knew that being mean and bossy and pushy with friends was not a good thing. I am not sure how much sank in. I have a feeling that Princess understands that I am talking about her behavior as well, that what is bad for her sister also applies to her -- but that she is also trying very hard to hide that understanding from me. Not to officially acknowledge the lessons I am trying to impart.
Then the girls wanted to go to Macdonalds. When I said no, this led to ten or so minutes of repetitive screaming that they wanted to go to McDonalds. Not so good.
Princess also opened and leftover soup the nice church ladies had given us (they know we are in rather tight financial straits.....despite my imploring to at least wait unti we get home....not so good.
But Princess was very careful in opening up the soup, putting some of it in a cup in the car, then eating it with, um, an old hotel plastic card room key as a spoon (good? bad? just weird?)
Then she went home and retired to her room. When I wanted to enter her room to cross over to the garage to put leftover soup away, she said she would put it in the fridge herself. and she did.
The last I saw her, she was asleep in her bed, sideways, feet on the ottoman.
Just another day. She did threaten to kill me, at least once. And call me stupid, at least once I remember. But it was mostly an ok day.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My temper and my habits
This morning I got out the 3 pills Princess takes in the morning, but she was in a defiant mood. "You need to take these," I say, holding them out. Her defiance was simple and direct. "No I don't," she said to my face. "I don't have to do anything." (I don't think she she verbalized "you're not the boss of me" this instance, but the sentiment was there.
This isn't princess being whiny, or angry. This is her giggling, revelling in her rebellion.
And I snapped, and yelled at her. I am ashamed to write that now, but that's what I did. She ran into her mother's arms crying after my tirade. Giggly defiance gone, for a moment.
Did she take the pills? She took them....into her room and shut the door on me; she either took the pills or dropped them on the floor.
This is a basic conundrum I have yet to crack. What does one do when one's children simply choose to ignore and defy what you say. When even implementing punishments and consequences depends on basic responses to your commands (go to your room). Whole books have been written about this. And how to deal with the personal feelings I feel rising up within me incredibly quickly, feelings of rage and futility. I suppose those feelings are simmering within me almost all the time; I just find ways to ignore them or distract myself from feeling them. But then they pop out and I am unable to control my impulses.
I can't say never, but I don't hit people. Usually my outbursts are verbal.
In other words, I yell alot. Like I remember my own mom (not my dad) doing.
And unfortunately, both Princess and Litte Sister have picked up on my example, making yelling a way too common thing in this household.
But, despite this, the morning went relativey smoothly, and we made it to school on time, even early. I walked in with the girls; they both got their reduced-price breakfast. Princess picked out Pizza for breakfast. She took one bite, and eventually through the rest away. Another unfortunate habit we are trying to break.
But she didn't want me to leave before school started. It is one of the few times that she asks me to stay, not to go. I find it very hard to turn her down; a happy string plucks in my heart when she asks "daddy, please don't leave," My daughter still wants me, or doesn't find me awful to have around all the time. Kind of pitiful a bit, when I think about it.
Speaking of habits, my wife wanted to share something she heard on the radio or somewhere. Where do habits come from. They come from people, things, times, mental states.
My habit of reading things (used to be sports pages, now its political websites, mostly) come from anxiety.
Her habit of watching tv derives from wanting to spend quiet time with me.
Must think.....how to cultivate better habits in mysef, and in my girls.....
This isn't princess being whiny, or angry. This is her giggling, revelling in her rebellion.
And I snapped, and yelled at her. I am ashamed to write that now, but that's what I did. She ran into her mother's arms crying after my tirade. Giggly defiance gone, for a moment.
Did she take the pills? She took them....into her room and shut the door on me; she either took the pills or dropped them on the floor.
This is a basic conundrum I have yet to crack. What does one do when one's children simply choose to ignore and defy what you say. When even implementing punishments and consequences depends on basic responses to your commands (go to your room). Whole books have been written about this. And how to deal with the personal feelings I feel rising up within me incredibly quickly, feelings of rage and futility. I suppose those feelings are simmering within me almost all the time; I just find ways to ignore them or distract myself from feeling them. But then they pop out and I am unable to control my impulses.
I can't say never, but I don't hit people. Usually my outbursts are verbal.
In other words, I yell alot. Like I remember my own mom (not my dad) doing.
And unfortunately, both Princess and Litte Sister have picked up on my example, making yelling a way too common thing in this household.
But, despite this, the morning went relativey smoothly, and we made it to school on time, even early. I walked in with the girls; they both got their reduced-price breakfast. Princess picked out Pizza for breakfast. She took one bite, and eventually through the rest away. Another unfortunate habit we are trying to break.
But she didn't want me to leave before school started. It is one of the few times that she asks me to stay, not to go. I find it very hard to turn her down; a happy string plucks in my heart when she asks "daddy, please don't leave," My daughter still wants me, or doesn't find me awful to have around all the time. Kind of pitiful a bit, when I think about it.
Speaking of habits, my wife wanted to share something she heard on the radio or somewhere. Where do habits come from. They come from people, things, times, mental states.
My habit of reading things (used to be sports pages, now its political websites, mostly) come from anxiety.
Her habit of watching tv derives from wanting to spend quiet time with me.
Must think.....how to cultivate better habits in mysef, and in my girls.....
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
princess art cont.
Okay, lets try again with the Princess art.
ok, its sideways, I'm still getting the hang of this, but asyou can see, it is a scanned picture of a giraffe.
What, you don't think it is a giraffe. Actually, look at it again, think of it as the giraffe's head, and remember that giraffe's do indeed have very long tongues.
ok, its sideways, I'm still getting the hang of this, but asyou can see, it is a scanned picture of a giraffe.
What, you don't think it is a giraffe. Actually, look at it again, think of it as the giraffe's head, and remember that giraffe's do indeed have very long tongues.
Princess only pinched me once today.
It was conflict over the living room. Princess had cleared stuff out to make a dance floor, and was dancing some "Space Musical" songs with Little Sis. Then she temporariy abandoned the room, and I was actually succeeding in my effort for LS to finish her homework (modify her Leprachuan trap to make it a trap, then write a few sentences on what it was and how it worked). Just as LS was finishing her mini-essay, Princess wanted her dance space back. So Yell and pinch.
Bad news....I yelled and walked off, essentially caving. But LS did finish her homework. And that was the only real outburst/tantrum of the evening. So perhaps good news there.
Earlier I had watched Princess and Little Sis dance. Princess was the announcer, the CD player operator, and the choreographer. They had an actual routine, and Princess let LS take turns with moves of her own. They both are into cheer and dance. The weird thing is we have had a very spotty record taking Princess to dance and cheer classes.....the basic hypothesis we have is that Princess likes to dance, but doesn't like being told what to do, and many dance/cheer classes are essentialy having someone else tell you exactly what to do.
Anyways, so Princess is not learning dances from classes at the moment...rather from whatever she's doing in afterschool program, from Wii dance games, and what she sees on television and youtube.
It was conflict over the living room. Princess had cleared stuff out to make a dance floor, and was dancing some "Space Musical" songs with Little Sis. Then she temporariy abandoned the room, and I was actually succeeding in my effort for LS to finish her homework (modify her Leprachuan trap to make it a trap, then write a few sentences on what it was and how it worked). Just as LS was finishing her mini-essay, Princess wanted her dance space back. So Yell and pinch.
Bad news....I yelled and walked off, essentially caving. But LS did finish her homework. And that was the only real outburst/tantrum of the evening. So perhaps good news there.
Earlier I had watched Princess and Little Sis dance. Princess was the announcer, the CD player operator, and the choreographer. They had an actual routine, and Princess let LS take turns with moves of her own. They both are into cheer and dance. The weird thing is we have had a very spotty record taking Princess to dance and cheer classes.....the basic hypothesis we have is that Princess likes to dance, but doesn't like being told what to do, and many dance/cheer classes are essentialy having someone else tell you exactly what to do.
Anyways, so Princess is not learning dances from classes at the moment...rather from whatever she's doing in afterschool program, from Wii dance games, and what she sees on television and youtube.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
princess art
I will now attempt to import some artwork created by the princess.
Attempt failed....I have three pictures in my computer, but they are pdf files, not image files. They look really good, though.
Attempt failed....I have three pictures in my computer, but they are pdf files, not image files. They look really good, though.
this and that
It is 10 o clock, but it is Saturday; the princess is in her room....the computer either is not sleeping as much and needing me to feed her password, or she has figured out what the password is.
I really don't want to know.
That is part of my problem, I think....I resort too much to ostrich/head in ground position, not wanting to delve too deep into what Princess is doing for fear that I would have to confront something awful.
The last sentence looks bad when I read it. Sigh.
This evening I made a batch of pre-icecream (needs chilling before we bring out the Kitchenaid ice cream attachment), but I focused on the kitchen task, and not on the girls, who were playing (mostly nicely) with each other (the boy was with friends). My wife would have involved the girls more; she has the knack of involving them in what she is doing, making it fun for them. Me, I just wanted to work in the kitchen and leave the girls to their own devices. I fear that I am continually making choices about not engaging or deaing with the kids, especially Princess, who becomes angry/scary often when being told what to do (and often nasty if I just want to talk).
Damn, the last sentence again makes me wince a little bit.
Today she had a violent tantrum, which wasn't really a screaming tantrum, but violence directed at her little sister for telling us......something that I now forget, but something she was not supposed to be doing. It could have been anger at her sister for lying about her, or about telling the truth.....sometimes it is hard to discern the difference.
So for ten or fifteen minutes the wife and I were trying to shield/protect little sister while princess was rampage, or a purposeful intimidation. Had to restrain her several times. Be called stupid numerous times.
I really end up emotionally numb after these violent outbursts.
It was twelve hours ago
I really don't want to know.
That is part of my problem, I think....I resort too much to ostrich/head in ground position, not wanting to delve too deep into what Princess is doing for fear that I would have to confront something awful.
The last sentence looks bad when I read it. Sigh.
This evening I made a batch of pre-icecream (needs chilling before we bring out the Kitchenaid ice cream attachment), but I focused on the kitchen task, and not on the girls, who were playing (mostly nicely) with each other (the boy was with friends). My wife would have involved the girls more; she has the knack of involving them in what she is doing, making it fun for them. Me, I just wanted to work in the kitchen and leave the girls to their own devices. I fear that I am continually making choices about not engaging or deaing with the kids, especially Princess, who becomes angry/scary often when being told what to do (and often nasty if I just want to talk).
Damn, the last sentence again makes me wince a little bit.
Today she had a violent tantrum, which wasn't really a screaming tantrum, but violence directed at her little sister for telling us......something that I now forget, but something she was not supposed to be doing. It could have been anger at her sister for lying about her, or about telling the truth.....sometimes it is hard to discern the difference.
So for ten or fifteen minutes the wife and I were trying to shield/protect little sister while princess was rampage, or a purposeful intimidation. Had to restrain her several times. Be called stupid numerous times.
I really end up emotionally numb after these violent outbursts.
It was twelve hours ago
Friday, March 9, 2012
friday night...a normal voice
Fringe isn't on tonight, so my princess and I are spared an argument on the tv. It is friday night, so I am letting her sit on the sofa and watch the somewhat obnoxious Disney channel.
Princess is eating an orange icee, made by her and us. She and I actually kind of worked together in the kitchen when I took the blender out to make some shakes (lots of old bananas to use up). Looked up recipes on the internet. After making a chocolate/banana shake for myself, princess wanted to make an orange/banana smoothie. We found a recipe in which we had all the ingredients (oranges, bananas, sugar, salt, milk, ice cubes -- missing only the vanilla yogurt).... when it was done, she poured it all to herself, resisitng my entreaties to share. But we were actually working togehter in a mostly civil way in the kitchen so I am counting that as good......
later, she wanted an orange icee....My attempt wasn't icee enough (too smoothie; she went and crushed 20-30 ice cubes in the blender to add to the overly smooth orange drink I made......
Princess is making occasional comments on the tv show (austin and ally) right now as I write and she drinks her orange icee. . Nothing profound....it is just that it is one of the few times she talks to me in a normal conversational voice. Most of the time she uses loud angry offended voice....other times she uses whiny pleading/begging voice. I treasure the times she talks to me with what is, for most regular people, a regular normal voice.
Princess is eating an orange icee, made by her and us. She and I actually kind of worked together in the kitchen when I took the blender out to make some shakes (lots of old bananas to use up). Looked up recipes on the internet. After making a chocolate/banana shake for myself, princess wanted to make an orange/banana smoothie. We found a recipe in which we had all the ingredients (oranges, bananas, sugar, salt, milk, ice cubes -- missing only the vanilla yogurt).... when it was done, she poured it all to herself, resisitng my entreaties to share. But we were actually working togehter in a mostly civil way in the kitchen so I am counting that as good......
later, she wanted an orange icee....My attempt wasn't icee enough (too smoothie; she went and crushed 20-30 ice cubes in the blender to add to the overly smooth orange drink I made......
Princess is making occasional comments on the tv show (austin and ally) right now as I write and she drinks her orange icee. . Nothing profound....it is just that it is one of the few times she talks to me in a normal conversational voice. Most of the time she uses loud angry offended voice....other times she uses whiny pleading/begging voice. I treasure the times she talks to me with what is, for most regular people, a regular normal voice.
a few minutes of peace
I shoudn't wait until the last minute to pick up my bipolar princess (and little sister) from school (actually, the afterschool program). It is 5;16; I should have gone an hour or two or three ago.
But most days this tired single parent waits until the last minute to pick up the girls at 6 treasuring moments of peace and silence, even if I do not get as many things done as I should.
Yesterday waiting until the last minute (in my defense, I was busy installing kitchen cabinetry shelving) almost backfired when our dog dashed out of the garage. I had to catch and wrestle the dog into the car and drive directly to school to pick up the girls by 6 (being minutes late can be really expensive).
My wife says I should bring snack and her evening medications with me; that has helped I think when I remember to do it.
This morning, my princess yelled at me when I went to tell her it was time to get up.
That was most of our intereaction. The other was when I dropped her off at school; she said she left her Math homework sheets at home; I told her I would look for it.
I did. Her room was messy, and it was scattered with various sheets and litter. Harmony has a habit of emptying her school backpack by simply holding it upside down and shaking it. In the car, or at home.
I did not find the specific sheet she was looking for, based on the homework schedule her teacher posted online.
So, now it is time to pick her up; I am predicting she will be mad at me for not delivering her homework to school like I was supposed to.
Better go get the snacks and meds.
But most days this tired single parent waits until the last minute to pick up the girls at 6 treasuring moments of peace and silence, even if I do not get as many things done as I should.
Yesterday waiting until the last minute (in my defense, I was busy installing kitchen cabinetry shelving) almost backfired when our dog dashed out of the garage. I had to catch and wrestle the dog into the car and drive directly to school to pick up the girls by 6 (being minutes late can be really expensive).
My wife says I should bring snack and her evening medications with me; that has helped I think when I remember to do it.
This morning, my princess yelled at me when I went to tell her it was time to get up.
That was most of our intereaction. The other was when I dropped her off at school; she said she left her Math homework sheets at home; I told her I would look for it.
I did. Her room was messy, and it was scattered with various sheets and litter. Harmony has a habit of emptying her school backpack by simply holding it upside down and shaking it. In the car, or at home.
I did not find the specific sheet she was looking for, based on the homework schedule her teacher posted online.
So, now it is time to pick her up; I am predicting she will be mad at me for not delivering her homework to school like I was supposed to.
Better go get the snacks and meds.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
day the second
Well, its been a busy long day. It is 10:25 at night, little sister and big brother are both in bed, and my princess is still watching tv on her computer. I should lay the law down and turn the computer off....in fact. that is what I will do this second.
Ok, so I didn't. I turned the lights off, the volume down. I didn't turn the computer off. Harmony was lying in bed with the dog, and yelled "nooooooo" so I didn't. This, unfortunately, is a pattern.
The day began okay; Harmony is actually quite less grumpy and more cooperative than her sister or brother first thing in the morning. Which means when you ask her to get up and take a bath, she actually gets up and takes a bath.
While getting ready for school, I tried to engage in conversation about her afterschool arts program, which was having an open house this evening. It went like this.
"What art are you showing at tonight's program?"
"I don't know."
What art do you think you might be showing at tonight's program?"
"I don't know."
"What kinds of art have you done in class, that I might see tonight.
"I don't know."
Then she took a lunch bag of food from the fridge. I was going to let her get away with it. Not so Mom, who insisted on seeing it. It had a prepackaged chicken ceasar salad with her name/label taped on it. And apples, and a container of raspberries. "You can't have all of this." my wife exclaimed. Harmony yelled and bewailed, but eventually settled for just the salad.
My wife wants to lock the kitchen. My princess is constantly raiding and taking food, which we then find, half eaten, in her room or the living room. Tonight she was raising apples, and asking me to peel an orange. She rejected my first orange; it was peeled in the wrong way. Food is an ongoing issue with us.
It is eleven oclock. My wife is home from work. Harmony is ....sleeping. I turn the computer off. I find it easier to do such things when my princess is asleep.
Ok, so I didn't. I turned the lights off, the volume down. I didn't turn the computer off. Harmony was lying in bed with the dog, and yelled "nooooooo" so I didn't. This, unfortunately, is a pattern.
The day began okay; Harmony is actually quite less grumpy and more cooperative than her sister or brother first thing in the morning. Which means when you ask her to get up and take a bath, she actually gets up and takes a bath.
While getting ready for school, I tried to engage in conversation about her afterschool arts program, which was having an open house this evening. It went like this.
"What art are you showing at tonight's program?"
"I don't know."
What art do you think you might be showing at tonight's program?"
"I don't know."
"What kinds of art have you done in class, that I might see tonight.
"I don't know."
Then she took a lunch bag of food from the fridge. I was going to let her get away with it. Not so Mom, who insisted on seeing it. It had a prepackaged chicken ceasar salad with her name/label taped on it. And apples, and a container of raspberries. "You can't have all of this." my wife exclaimed. Harmony yelled and bewailed, but eventually settled for just the salad.
My wife wants to lock the kitchen. My princess is constantly raiding and taking food, which we then find, half eaten, in her room or the living room. Tonight she was raising apples, and asking me to peel an orange. She rejected my first orange; it was peeled in the wrong way. Food is an ongoing issue with us.
It is eleven oclock. My wife is home from work. Harmony is ....sleeping. I turn the computer off. I find it easier to do such things when my princess is asleep.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
March 7, 10:09 Pm
The genesis of this blog is twofold
One is a challenge my wife threw down to me this morning (for the 38th time or so)...is to write, bill, write. You waste too much time reading blogs on the web; you need to write instead.
She's right, of course.
Of course, reading blogs is like skiing downhill; writing is like climbing up hill with no chairlift or rope tow. You work so hard to achieve so little.
The other challenge behind this blog is my daughter, the bipolar princess.
Much like I am avoiding the act of writing, I am also avoiding the act of meaningful interaction with my daughter. This is in large part because said interaction has become extremely frustrating. An average encounter involves yelling and borderline rudeness. A below average encounter involves her kicking and screaming and pulling my hair. A really below average encounter involves yelling and shouting and pulling her hair.
My girl has been diagnosed with emerging bipolar disorder.
And ADHD.
And she can be really, really, mean.
There are times when I feel like an abused, battered spouse after below-average encounters.
Her teachers like her.
When I drop her off at school, sometimes she heads for a group of friends and becomes Ms. Popularity, or at least Ms. Cool to Be Around.
Sometimes she insists on me walking with her to the classroom. I honestly do not know why.
She likes to dance. She likes Katy Perry. and Hannah Montana.
She likes makeup.
She doesn't like to go to church.
She steals our money.
She is nine years old.
The genesis of this blog is twofold
One is a challenge my wife threw down to me this morning (for the 38th time or so)...is to write, bill, write. You waste too much time reading blogs on the web; you need to write instead.
She's right, of course.
Of course, reading blogs is like skiing downhill; writing is like climbing up hill with no chairlift or rope tow. You work so hard to achieve so little.
The other challenge behind this blog is my daughter, the bipolar princess.
Much like I am avoiding the act of writing, I am also avoiding the act of meaningful interaction with my daughter. This is in large part because said interaction has become extremely frustrating. An average encounter involves yelling and borderline rudeness. A below average encounter involves her kicking and screaming and pulling my hair. A really below average encounter involves yelling and shouting and pulling her hair.
My girl has been diagnosed with emerging bipolar disorder.
And ADHD.
And she can be really, really, mean.
There are times when I feel like an abused, battered spouse after below-average encounters.
Her teachers like her.
When I drop her off at school, sometimes she heads for a group of friends and becomes Ms. Popularity, or at least Ms. Cool to Be Around.
Sometimes she insists on me walking with her to the classroom. I honestly do not know why.
She likes to dance. She likes Katy Perry. and Hannah Montana.
She likes makeup.
She doesn't like to go to church.
She steals our money.
She is nine years old.
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