too much crap

My blog has been in the death spiral of previous blogs and writing projects.....procrastination leads to guilt leads to pressure as more and more crap pours down my way, leading to more procrastination and pressure and guilt, till finally an explosion here of....you get the idea

I really should be writing things down on a more daily basis, as a lot has happened between now and my last post, and I can't really do everything justice be rushing back and covering them Memento style, or weeks/days after the fact.

So, that would include the princess's report card, our discovery of a new therapist, visit one to the therapist (for parents), visit two (for the princess), as well as the princess's visits to her birthmom who, after some months of disappearance, is now in jail, again. As well as various other little incidents and stories and conflicts, such as the time the princess and I in a rare warm and positive moment danced the Tango together (sorta), only to accidently kick little sister's cd player onto the floor. Fortunately, it still works.

Maybe I would have time to write about those in more detail in the future, when they are even further in the past. Maybe not. Just now if feels like a big pile of crap I am buried in, to be dug out of and flung aside.

And this doesn't include all the other piles of crap I am buried under at the moment....the trying to find a job pile, the trying to get the house in order pile, the trying not to let life run away from me pile.....

But onto today, more craptacular than usual.

I don't think I lost my temper with princess today. Other people did though.

It started out with a trip the the dentist. Princess was a princess. And the dentist was kind enough to make go against their general policy and accept our state insurance plan (princess and her sister have it because of their former foster child status). And while four cavities and one missing cap sound bad (aargh), at least princess beats sister, who had the same number of cavities, and an infection that required extraction.

We came back before ten, and my lovely wife (LW) was in a lovely mood because of the hour of relative peace and quiet. This eventually wore away and broke down however, until she was at wit's end, like yesterday, due to Princess's penchant for getting into boxes of things that, unlike many of our possessions, were actually put away and organized and (seemingly) safe. Things like family pictures and school artwork and scrapbooks grandparents and teachers had made for them, among other things, that were suddenly found floating around the house in a very disorganized fashion.

This really hurts LW -- she has a passion for keeping things (sometimes to my frustration), and she has, or had, a system of keeping things organized and safe. But not from Princess. Princess seems to make a special point of going after things, and not even using or seeming to appreciate them, but just going after boxes, picking one thing out, and tossing the rest on the floor.

It is hard. "She is cruel," my LW says, and goes on in despairing way on how Princess has made her life miserable.

Later my Boy Scout Son (BSS), who usually takes things in a very smooth stride, gets his limit. Princess is in the kitchen, making cupcakes (she found a box and wanted to make them, and I let her, after steering her away from her first choice, popcorn, because we had no frying oil and loose kernels cannot be popped in the microwave, or so I told her)....Then, for some reason, she wanted to dice an onion, to top the caserrole I had made for everyone. Find, fine, fine...I'm cooking, she's dicing, little sis is watching Netflix, BSS is in his room. I tell him dinner is ready, he comes out to grab some grub, and...princess loses it. Screams. Screams some more. Tells him he can't have any dinner (WTF?)  Grabs a rubbermaid plastic pitcher/container, throws it on marble floor, breaking it.

Brother than picks up and carries Princess to her room. Later, he and Princess have verbal confrontation.....he tells her in not-loud but angry tone of voice that she shouldn't exist, that she should leave, that she should die. It takes me back.....makes me feel sad and defeated.

Then the door knocks. Its our neighbor Joe, who moved a couple years ago and from almost the beginning decided he didn't like us. He says he can hear screaming, and people throwing things, and that this really needs to stop.

Its midnight.....must go to bed  (did I mention my laptop is at the shop getting disinfected from its 300 viruses it apparently has, and I'll get it back when we can scrape together the money to fix it?)

Thanks, Joe.  

Funny thing is, though, Princess calms down shortly after that, gets back to work on her cupcakes. Later, when little sister is crying, she tells her very seriously to be quiet, or joe will come back.  Princess will not respond to my entreaties to quiet down, but she will respond to Joe.