notes from a therapy session, part 2

Princess and I went to see our therapist "Kay" yesterday. The first part of the session was games; then Princess was sent to the other room to draw while the two of us talked.

She asked how the past week had went. I mentioned Princess biting me one time, and biting my wife another time.

After some discussion of what caused tantrums (my recollection; usually involved me or wife shouting "no" or "stop that" , she said many seemed related to "power struggles."

Yes, Captain Obvious.

How do I cope?   What do I do.....How do I engage? What times are the best for engaging her.

And the truth, which I don't know if I fully expressed there, is that I coped by not engaging.....off to her room, where she could ignore me and I could ignore her, at least for the time being. I told her about the incident described at the end of this post, for example. I just wanted her to stop, to go away.

One thing she said struck me...I mentioned that Princess is often defiant..."make me" comments...."you're stupid; I'm not listening to you" nyah nyah

These, she said, were (could be) coping defense mechanisms....and as such, actually evidence that Princess does have a conscience, a sense of right and wrong. The defense mechanisms act to prevent her from experienceing the unpleasant feelings of guilt and shame she might otherwise experience. Sassing back at me, in this view, can be seen as a good thing, a sign of progress.

I really hope that is true, considering the alternative.

Anyways, my assignments for the next few days are

•  making a routine of "hurt checks" with Princess, and yes, she said when I asked, they could be reciprocal
• observing her closely, see what sets her off
• attaining a sense of calm and detachment....don't engage in her only when I am swept up with emotions of anger and frustration